It’s been over a week since I returned from the Sovereign Rising retreat and I’m still out of it.
My beautiful babies wrote me this love note in the driveway and I ugly cried so hard. I missed them so much!
That’s the biggest thing I learned while I was away. I am so incredibly grateful for my family that the love tends to leak out of the corners of my eyes. 😍😢
I miss all of the wonderful women I met so intensely. I miss that amazing sense of community and acceptance. I miss the quiet of the Maine woods. I miss the freedom of not owing anybody a damn thing. I actually crave tent sleeping. Seriously. Who the fuck am I now? I have been all about non-country living for decades and now all I want is to be outside. 🤷🏼♀️
I have lost my mom voice. I can’t even dredge up that deep scary voice that terrifies young children and adults alike. I’m tired of being scary. I’m still creepy as fuck but I don’t want to be loud with anything other than laughter. 😂 #cackleoutloud
I have changed so very much from four days surrounded by nature and inspiring women. I am so much closer to ME. I look at my life and things are shifting…slowly.
This girl came back with me and I’m so glad I found her again. 😍
It creeps up in the worst moments. I will be having a grand old time playing with my kids. Or I will be relaxing in a rare moment of quiet. Then there it is: Mom. Guilt.
My thoughts go something like this. Is this how I’m supposed to play with my kid? Should the games we are playing be more educational? Why doesn’t my toddler know all her colors yet? What if I’m doing this all wrong? Why is playing with these damn dolls so fucking BORING? Oh no. I’m a terrible mom. I don’t like playing with my kids. Get out the pitchforks and torches. Force me to wear a scarlet patch on my chest. They are going to drag me into the center of town and throw rocks at me. I should feel grateful for every single moment I get to spend with my kids. They are a precious gift. Why am I rolling my eyes at my precious gift??? Why is my precious gift so damn hard to entertain? I know. I’ll just creep off for some quiet in the kitchen. I sit down at the coffee table with a freshly poured and warmed up cup of coffee. It’s quiet. My toddler is playing happily on the living room floor with her dolls. My boys are playing some video game or other. Have they played too much today? I haven’t seen them in three hours. I’m not monitoring them closely enough. What if there is a predator trying to get at them right this moment and I’m sitting here like an idiot drinking this cup of coffee. Maybe I shouldn’t drink this much coffee. I’m going to put this coffee cup down and go check on the kids. Spoiler alert: the kids are all fine and I’ve fallen prey to MOM GUILT. 🤦♀️
Why do I do this to myself? What possible evolutionary benefit did Mom Guilt offer? I’m sure while humans were scrambling for survival they weren’t so consumed with this bullshit.
My kids are fed and clothed. They have tons of shit to entertain themselves with. Too much STUFF sometimes but that’s another post. I’m so ready to punch mom guilt in the tit and ride off into the sunset with my kids in search of adventure without this ridiculous social baggage. ✌️
Woo hoo! I passed 65,000 words!!! My goal is 75,000 by Wednesday. I will get there!
I went down the art journaling rabbit hole today.
It started on Pinterest with an interesting tutorial for drawing flowers. I sketched those this morning and then ran the toddler to the dentist.
After the dentist I decided to do a full page of flowers. I used a Tombow marker because it was already in my hand. 😂
Note to self. Separate out the waterproof markers so I grab them first instead of the water soluble markers. 🤦♀️
I drew several flowers on a half assed background in my journal. Then I used a water brush and Jane Davenport watercolor paints to color in the flowers & background.
I love how it turned out!
And here’s a pic of it in the sun with one happy overheated chihuahua. 😂
Miko will be 1 years old next month! How is it possible??? She’s grown so much. She is the smartest dumb dog. One minute she is calculating the exact trajectory of the next errant goldfish to come her way and the next minute she’s rolling off the couch because she wasn’t paying attention.
She basically housebroke herself because the boys weren’t taking her out enough. 😂 She started yarping and yodeling outside their bedroom door until they took her out. Now she almost never messes in the house. Miko’s bark sounds like a monkey being disemboweled. ‘Bark’ is a strong word. It’s more like the hyper whine of a prepubescent teen who’s voice is cracking. LOL
I’m so glad this 7 pounds of cuddles and attitude came into our life. She healed the broken pieces of my heart after the loss of Nemo a year ago. She’s a sassy badass who is hilarious in her antics. T is no longer afraid of dogs. G has a buddy who sleeps with him at night. B has a couch snuggle buddy. I am so, so grateful that the universe sent this beastie to us. 😍
Making progress! I am getting closer and closer to finding ‘THE END’ in this story. I had a fantastic epiphany the other day about how to close a major plot hole that I have been chewing on. It fits perfectly and really amps up the stories tension. I LOVE when inspiration strikes like that! I jot notes down everywhere and I really have to get my shit together with a system that doesn’t leave me scrambling to find that genius plot fix in my three notebooks, four digital programs, and random voice recordings on my phone. UGH!
Right now I have a text file in Scrivener inside the project labeled FIXES and I try to put them all there. But it means I’m constantly editing the doc and it doesn’t sync quite right. I think I’m going to have to go down the Traveler’s Notebook rabbit hole for my next planner. Or order a custom planner with space for my brain dumps. LOL.
I am going to participate in National Poetry Writing Month!
30 poems in 30 days!
Check out all the other participants here: http://www.napowrimo.net
I will be blogging about it at: http://rhinestonedragon.com
And posting to instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/rhinestonedragon/